I figured I would write a little about me. For those of you that may find this blog, I don't want you to think that I have not been through life, that I haven't experienced the difficulties in a marriage or in friendships. Life is full of choices, it is how we view them that defines us. I thought for a long time about life and who I am. I got lost in all the lies, manipulations, more lies and I thought I lost myself, but I was the lies I told, I was the person who manipulated, that was who I was. It is funny, how we can convince ourselves it is everyone around us, but the only way to truly see yourself is to stop looking at everyone else and start seeing who you are.
I am not perfect and I make my share of mistakes, but it is what we have learned from the past that helps us move forward. I have learned that I failed the people I was with, I failed friends and family, but in the failure I learned that if we do not learn from the failure, it continues to be a failure, but if we learn and change, then we have lived and learned.
Today my life is much different from the past. I was on my second marriage, in which I controlled her by my manipulations, fears, "what if" scenario's, my mistrust, my lack of trust in myself, my lack of belief, my lack of faith, my not understanding love and just not healing from my past. I thought by ignoring issues they would go away. I thought that I knew what love was and may other things. I thought that I was right and others were wrong. (And no this is not easy to admit.)
When my wife walked out on me, I blamed her, I blamed her friends, I blamed everyone else instead of looking at the cold hard truth. It wasn't until I was able to see that I had made life about me, that I realized that I was the problem, it was me and when I saw it was me, it was like I was a clay pot that had so many holes in it, I couldn't hold water or anything else. And what happens to clay pots like that? They get broken, ground to powder and then remade (changed) and that is exactly what happened to me. I will save you all the details, but it was one of the hardest times of my life. I took so many years to become that clay pot, the one with holes, cracks and just junk all over me and in one clean sweep I became a pile of broken pieces. It wasn't my wife's fault, but my own. In fact I hate to admit this, but I owe her more then she may know. I would not have seen the way I had been, if she had let me continue living that way, so in actuality, I owe her a thank you for standing up to me and saying enough is enough.
I made life about me for so long, but now I share my life with you in hopes that someone will learn from my failures, from my mistakes and even in the change will see that life is about changing and growing, it is about working on who we are and not letting others define us. It is time we learn to be men and women, instead of kids that walk around waiting for another bad thing to happen and blaming everyone else for who we are. It is time to stand up and look in the mirror, it may scare you to see what others see, but that is the only way we can truly change.
To this day I continue to wait for my wife, it isn't easy, but life isn't easy. Life is full of ups and downs, but I made bad choices based on myself and today I make choices on what I believe. People may think I am crazy, but it doesn't matter what others think, what matters is what I believe.
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