Part 4 Sex the Taboo Subject

 It is so easy to miss the key factors of it all, if having sex, brings a couple together, helps them heal, than why don't we have more of it? Why is it the one area that is forgotten about? 

It is forgotten, just like one partner will forget that they like to have it or forget how good it feels to connect, that is the very thing that escapes peoples memories. When the memory is focused on what they need instead of what they can give to bring them together. If you ask couples or individuals, what area their marriage is struggling, they are apt to tell you finances or communication. If there is a lack of communication, have you seen what the root of the issue is? 

Remember each marriage is built on a foundation, each foundation is built on the individuals, however when those continue to be individuals, you take out the single foundation. If you look at broken marriages, what is one common complaint? It is that they are separate in everything, what happened to the one foundation? What broke first? That is the thing to ask. At the point that they are dealing with everything as separate, no longer as one unit. To create the unit again, they have to get back to the foundation that were built on. If they are not willing to do this, it will continue to break, soon there will be nothing left to recover, but nothing is impossible. 

The key to remembering the foundation is not to stop dating your spouse. Even when you are married. I think people take that statement differently, however you have to ask yourself what you did when you were dating that you are not doing now? 

• Paying attention to your spouse? (they were at one time the number one person you paid attention too, there was no others that caught your eyes).
• Holding hands, not just around people, but when it is just your spouse and you.
• Was there more physical touch? Why is that just for dating, once your married it should not stop, but only grow more and more.
• Did you listen to everything they said? Why aren't you doing it now?
• Did you plan dates, ways to woo them into wanting you more? Why did that stop, because you got them? No remember you should always keep the heat on in your marriage, because the last thing you want to happen is the flame to go out. Keep stoking the fire.
• Marriage is not the end, however only the beginning to a marriage that can grow in intensity and passion, don't think it is the end all. 
• If you look at why people have an affair, it isn't because they just wanted something more, it is because they wanted something that was missing. Is there anything missing from your marriage? What can you do to fix it, before there is a bigger issue.
• Sitting together, just simple as that, watching shows and movies together. When was the last time you spent time to just be with them? You have kids, that should be no excuse, you should teach your kids what marriage looks like, not what they see on TV, they should see it first hand. Be your partners closest friend, biggest fan, a support. You once were, what happened?

If these ring a bell to you and you can start introducing them again, don't hesitate to do so. Remember that marriage is the example we set for our kids, those around us, the world. If we are not happy in the one thing that will grow, until we are unhappy with many. Stop doing what you have been doing hoping for different results. Start doing something different, try to engage your spouse, try to build your marriage, don't wait, because it only gets harder and harder to get back to the basics.

Remember that you once loved your spouse and love isn't a feeling it is a choice. Time to make the right choices, time to add the spark that is missing. Time to put kindling on the fire, because the problem is when the one person starts taking the kindling off, puts on the brakes. The one spouse has to ask why. Time to build and don't stop building. 

Part 3 Sex the Taboo Subject

 Rejection is a real thing, it hurts to be told the following excuses:

• I have a headache
• I am tired
• I am not in the mood
• Don't touch me
• I don't feel like it
• I am not comfortable with my body
• I don't want to be seen naked

All of these excuses cause the partner to feel rejection and rejection hits right to the core. These are truly excuses to a root problem and that is the truth, the more these excuses are used, the more the partner will think what have I done. That is where the rejection comes to play. You can tell someone they are not what you want, but making up a reason why you will not do the one thing that brings them together is the worst thing to do, because what else should your spouse feel? They want to honor your feelings, however when you have caused them hurt, they don't know what to do. The more hurt that is caused by making these excuses, the more rejection is going to be felt. 

What people don't seem to understand, the spouse isn't just feeling it out for that moment, they have gaged whether to try to start to cuddle from the moment they walked in the door. And when the other spouse is complaining about how their day has been, how tired they are, how they don't feel well, that is a mood ruiner. That is what they seem to forget, is the spouse is already gaging if they should start and when they hear all of that, that is why they will not approach, they will not even try and soon 1 day becomes 2 and then 3 and soon a week has gone by of them listening to the spouse about how hard their life is etc... Soon 2 weeks and the rejection, the feelings become increasingly hard towards the other. 

If you notice, that the one partner tried and has tried, has put the spouses feelings first, however the spouse that is complaining about their day, how they are tired, how they.... is only looking at what they need, no longer interested in the joint thing called marriage. They can only see themselves. The partner feels rejection, because their spouse can't look at the other person, they can only see themselves. That is rejection to the core. The more this occurs the more the spouse who isn't being fulfilled will get angry, the more angry they get, the more resentful of the what the other is complaining about, because the reason they can't make love is because of the things the spouse can't fix. 

The very thing that the spouse thought they were providing, they are not, because the one thing that draws them together is lacking and it should not be. That is the one thing that makes them different than any other relationship out their. It is the fact that they can become one, one body, one flesh. 

Is your marriage in this rut? The only way to get out of it, is to be honest with each other, brutally honest is hard, but divorce is harder. We have to stop this issue, because it is breaking down marriages, it is causing the others to fracture. If love is really putting the other first, are all you are doing is complaining and telling your spouse how you feel after a day, is all you are doing is complaining how things are better in your job or life, however you are not creating closeness with the one you are with? What do you think is the cause? Look at the truth, look at yourself before you start a battle with your spouse. Try to resolve the issue, because this is a very big issue. 

The fracture breaks the foundation of your marriage, each crack lets a little more water in and soon your basement will be full, your walls crumbling all around you. There are ways to fix and repair the cracks, but it takes work. Don't let another crack be created, don't stop working on your marriage. Because your marriage is more important than work. If love is putting the other first, isn't time to see if you truly are.

Part 2 Sex the Taboo Subject

If you haven't read the first one, you should read it before this one, because it will make more sense to you. 

Marriages the partner thinks that the other can read their mind, finish their sentences, understand why they do what they do, however we are giving each other more than we should. We should not assume that the other one knows just what we are thinking, this is a dangerous game to play with anyone. We wouldn't do this to anyone else, why do we do it in our own marriages? Why do we assume that the other knows just what we are thinking? Don't play this game, because you are playing Russian roulette. Don't assume, you know what they say about assuming, it makes an ass out of you and me. . 

There are 3 steps that people who are in a marriage are missing (disclaimer, there could be more). 

1. Know your partners love language and become an expert in it. This will allow our partners to feel connected to us.
• Words of affirmation (Building up words)
• Quality time (Just as it states, spending specific time with your partner).
• Physical touch (Touching, not necessarily sexual, but all ways helps).
• Acts of service (Doing things to help your spouse out, not limited to anything)
• Receiving gifts (Flowers, cards, notes don't think to much is ever enough)
2. When your partner is asking for more of something, don't think it is just if you feel like it, because for example sex isn't just sex, it is the act of connecting. This action is only taken with our spouse, not with anyone else, it isn't just sex, it is so much more. 
3. When you get your spouses way to connect with you, you don't have to fully understand it, you don't have to fully understand it, you just have to do it, because that is what it means to put others before yourself.

If you are willing to put others before you outside of marriage, why aren't you willing to do this inside of marriage? Why can you put your kids before your spouse? Remember this, you are a direct impact on your kids, your actions, your words will directly impact them to see what marriage is all about. They will take from you and live it one day, what do you want them to live?

It is time to build on what we have, stop tearing it down in hopes that will help, because a house is built on a foundation, the windows do not go in, until after the foundation is build. If we ever stop working on the house, the foundation is the first to crumble, don't let it. 

Sex the Taboo subject

This is not for the sensitive or people that are young and can't handle this. But we as a people need to stand up and be truthful in all things. How many people are afraid to share the real truth, nothing but the truth and don't share it at all. 

Why get married, if all you are interested in is having a person their to talk too. What does marriage have that other relationships do not have? Oh so you can be monetarily sound, no that is not it, because marriage costs so much more. Is it so that you can have someone to talk too? Well, you could have that without marriage, so why marriage? 

I believe sex is considered a taboo subject and most people think that it can only be discussed in a bedroom with the party you are with, however isn't that giving sex (making love) a bad name. Isn't that giving a side of it that is too secret to share with others. We have a society that is breaking down, marriages are falling apart, because people are to afraid to talk about the "S" word, people don't know where to turn for the truth. Yes, you can read about it in the Bible and yes if it is in the Bible it is important, however how many people do you hear sharing on it? You have to search it out, seek to find anything on it, because it is such a taboo subject. We don't say the "s" word, we can't talk about that, however why are marriages breaking down, what is happening in them? 

People are blaming marriage breakdowns on lack of communication, or lack of something, but the truth is what binds a marriage together, what makes it more than a friendship? No, it isn't because you sleep in the same bed, it isn't because you are their together, that doesn't make anything different than anything else, it isn't that you have a marriage bond that says you are with this person for life, that is what is getting people, lets be honest. 

I have heard a study, that most people do not perform the marriage act on their wedding night. What is the marriage act, that is making love to your spouse. Why don't people do this anymore? What has broken this down? Why do people not realize that the bases of a strong marriage isn't just sleeping in the bed together, but actually doing something in that bed. The study is in, that most people are only having sex once a month, what??? That is crazy, these are married couples, however sex is put on the back burner, that is what makes the difference between being friends only and being lovers. 

I heard it stated that non Christians if they put a marble in a dish every time they have sex before they were married and then once they get married take the marble out, that they will not empty the container of marbles. Doesn't something seem to be wrong there? This is a huge problem, this is gripping our nation, because this is causing a fracture in our own homes. We are not willing to look at the root of the problem, we are not willing to look at the truth of it all. 

Most people will see sex as just an act, however it is so much more than that. There is data that shows that each person you have sex with creates a link, a bond to that person. However that bond gross less and less the more people you have sex with. Then when you do get married, can you imagine the problem that creates if you don't maintain that bond? If you say, we live in the same house, we do all this stuff together, but you are missing the main reason for marriage, it is that you can make love to the person. We put the thing that God created on the backburner, we are not willing to see why marriage is marriage, because we can only think of ourselves.

We are a selfish people, only willing to satisfy the needs of ourselves. A married person that has a strong sex drive and the one that does not, the one that does not have that sex drive is the one that controls the climate of the marriage. Can you imagine being the one that has the stronger sex drive and it isn't being met, you feel isolated, alone, you can't figure out what you have done to create the issue, however you show love, you are their and soon that gets old, it is hard to be rejected time and time again, because you are not something. This is what is happening in marriages all around you, however no one is willing to see the truth, because no one talks about it, it is taboo. We wonder why marriages are ending, we think why did that person drift away, but the truth is the reason we get married to begin with, the reason that marriage is not just a friendship. 

Sex is not taboo, it is not dirty, it is not bad when done in the marriage. This is the key, we can't think of it as a bad thing, we have to realize it was create not just to have kids, but to enjoy our spouse, to be something that is different than any other relationship. We are to show the other what they mean to us and the more we stop doing this, the more we create a fracture in our marriages. Maybe it is time to get back to the basics. I will take time to share the basics with you over the next few days. If you care to stay and read more. 

Marriages is an illustration for other people around you. If other people see marriage as just a friendship, what do you think they will do in their marriage if they even get married. Isn't it time to portray the truth of why marriage is different?